...

I don't think I slept at all last night. And if I did, I sure as hell I don't feel like it. To some extent, I admit, I did sleep a little, but it took forever to get to sleep. Hours upon hours tossing and turning. And when I did finally get to sleep, I kept waking up. I kept getting up, looking out the window for something (I think it was for snow? Snow day today), then I'd either go back to bed, or.. I can't really remember what I was doing before I went back to bed. It's like a big blank spot in my memory (then again, I always do have a hard time remembering things that happen when I wake at godaweful early times in the mornings).

 The window is right next to my bed, so all I have to do is turn on my side or my stomach and reach a little to move the blinds out of the way. But During the duration of my "waking-ups" I physically got up. And I don't really know why. So that adds to the "WTF" factor. :I I am not amused. And to make things even better, I keep dreaming of hospital like places. I know that when I was younger, I spent a lot of time in hospitals because I was sick so often (which is the reason why I absolutely abhor hospitals), but I don't see.. Wait. Now that I look at it (ahem, think/remember) about it, the hospital hallway from my recent dreams is rather similar to that of the dream I had on May 31st, 2010 (you'll have to do a little scrolling to find it. Sorry :/ ), when I was walking down that hallway after Alex went MIA and the elevator went bye-bye :B


Last night, my dad took notice of me not being well. I was in the kitchen, "looking" for something to eat (we were fending last night) and I guess I got stuck in a staring spell with the window across the kitchen, so I was kinda just.. standing there, unblinking and unmoving. And then my dad walks in to get more pasta or whatever he was eating, and he asked me if I was alright. I was kind of out of it at the moment, so I just nodded. He asked if I was sure, cause, according to him, I didn't look all too well.
I guess I am a little pale, and with the massive bags under my eyes, I guess it's a bit hard to miss. I certainly don't feel very well today. I'm finding it getting harder to eat everyday. Even if I am hungry (and my stomach demands food), I still find it hard to swallow. Or even chew, for that matter. It's kinda like when you just ate waaayyy too much, then mere sight of food makes you feel like shit. Except that's me, only on an empty stomach. DX








God, I feel so alone. Even though I have awesome friends, I feel like.. well, I'm just a fifth wheel. Especially when my friends and I are all together. I feel like I'm being excluded, and I just hang there. And just be, and nothing more. And even one on one with someone, all they talk about is themselves. Mostly, it's either that or their girl/boyfriend. It disgusts me, how obsessed people are. It makes me wonder about two things: one, Why didn't I grow up to be like nearly everyone else? Always been the loner, the outcast, I have. And two, are we, as a race, really worth saving? I mean, I look around, and all I see.. it hurts to even look outside, even. It's hard to describe how I feel, really. It's like I have a voice for no reason, and that most of what I believe in will get shot down immediately because I don't agree with most of the things people believe in today. I should tone down on my opinions. I shouldn't be pouring my heart out to the internet like this, but it's not as if someone's actually reading this, right? Right. Only me, myself, and I.

God, I want to punch my self so bad. I'm so fucking annoying.



Starting tomorrow, it'll be two weeks I made this blog, two weeks of no one coming and saying "OMG FU this blog is so dumb ur so frikkin dumb 4 maken this piece of filth shit u shud go dye in a curner cuz ur so stuped". I'm surprised, actually. But whatever. Happy almost Two Week anniversary! ....No. :/

Have I ever told you how against celebrations I am? Or how I can hardly stay on one subject for a period of time *coughthisblogcough* ?  Yeah. Imma go now :B

regards,
aXn