-insert huge sigh here-

I don't really how to word this, but.. I guess you can say I had the weirdest morning. But I can't really remember what happened clearly. So my little sister likes to wake up at the asscrack of dawn. So she woke me up (not on purpose) around.. 5:45 if I remember correctly. That's fine, as I usually go back to sleep, but I just didn't. Partly because she was being obnoxious and being loud. Usually that doesn't bother me. I've grown immune (to some degree) to a three year old's antics. But I stayed up, in this very.. lucid state. I didn't know if I was awake or not. My mind was all over the place. Mind you, I don't even know if my eyes were open or not.

  gunna cut out some details here because they're so stupid and kind of personal


So during my.. "state" of being awake but not(makes no sense), I.. well, I wouldn't really quite call hearing, more like I knew that there was this... ringing, and it made my "vision" (didn't know if my eyes were actually open or not) do funky things. It's hard to explain, but there was a big horizontal grey bar at the bottom of my sight with a small gap at the top (I'll put in a MS pic), but kind of stayed more towards the left. Like a distortion. And I felt this.. energy. It was weird. It was like.. hard to describe, but it's like drinking 10+ Monsters at the same time, but not getting the hyped up hyper feeling. Felt it twice.

Then, I kept dreaming (Wouldn't call it that per say) that I got up and told my stepmom that the little child was being noisy. Then I would dream that I would open my eyes, come to find out my eyes are actually closed, and it's really hard to open them. Then to top it all off, I had rolled onto my side at some point, and I couldn't breathe. It was like... being suffocated from the inside. Couldn't breathe from my nose so I opened my mouth, come to find out I was choking and couldn't take in any air. I.. I HATE the feeling of not being able to breathe. I guess it's just one of those primal fears. I don't know if any of it really actually happened, the "dreams"were so vivid and felt/seemed so real that I still don't really understand.

Not to mention, my room was super warm when I woke up. AGAIN. Even though it's cold outside. I don't know.

I guess for some good news, I cleaned my "ground zero" of a room and closet. I can actually see the whole floor now. Took me all afternoon and night to do it (because I'm a severe procrastinator).






























God. I feel so down. All fucking day I've felt horrid. I really don't know what it is.

 If I'm sick, I've been sick for weeks then. At times I feel like my skin is so hot to the touch, but it's all normal temperature. Then I get these fucking headaches that wont go away, even if I do take medicine or go crawl under the blankets/pillows. I don't have that bothersome cough anymore, but it does pop up sometimes. And I can't stomach food all that well.

If I'm becoming depressed again, well fuck.


Nothing really exciting to mention.

there's someone or something that's always there and i don't know what it is. is it malevolent? or is it not? does it just simply observe? does it want something?


so many questions, so little answers. 


regards,
aXn