Homemade Cryptic Bullshit With a side order of Mango flavored Dreams

God, it's good to have internet again. I just I hope I don't jinx it :P I guess this calls for story time, then. Ok, Friday, there was this huge snow/freezing rain storm, and I think at about.. 11:35 the internet froze, then cut out completely. So all weekend long, no internet. There were many other wireless signals I could've jumped on, but they were encrypted/password protected. And seeing as my "hacking skills" are at a very bare minimum.. well, let's just say my weekend was boring. Then today, whilst being bored and all that jazz, a "Free Public WiFi" popped up at 11:35. The fuck. The same time as on Friday. So I try and scope this thing out, and it ended up being ad hoc. Great. Not very helpful for me. So yeah. then, at around.. 16:55 the access point I use came back.  I was jumping with joy. Most literally. But you want to know what the weird thing is? All last night (trying to get to sleep, naturally) and this morning, my gut kept telling me something was going to happen around 11:30, and at 16:00 something important was going to happen. And that by the end of the day I would have my internetz back. Oh god, I love you so much gut. I can't even recall a time you were wrong :'D

But with good news comes strange news. My dreams for last night. Three of them. And guess what? More waking up at ridiculous hours. Can't get to sleep till 24:00, then waking up at 5 or 6. WTH. HHRRMMM.

Here:

[FIRST]
I’m with my mom, in her house, I think. This one’s a little blurry, but the power went out, so it was near pitch black. Even our cellphones wouldn’t light up, but they weren’t broken. I went to get my flashlight (which is rather bright) from my room (IDK how that’s possible, seeing as I don’t live with my mom) and I swear I saw something in there. I grabbed my flashlight, and got out of there. Don’t remember what happened after.


[SECOND]

Was in Russia with grandparents and Flea. We were going around in a car/van thing, and grandparents wanted to go to a concert/mall place. We get on the parking lot and park near where some teens are hanging out. I know one from internetz, and I go out to greet her. We hug and talk (apparently, I knew some Russian) and all that jazz, and then I had to go back to grandparents. So I get back and get in the front seat of the car (where my grandma was sitting, I was originally in the back passenger) and grandma is not there. Then my grandpa says something and starts laughing, and it turns out grandma is in my seat, but I’m too scared to look in the rearview mirror. We drive out (for some reason) and get stuck at a closed gate, and all of the sudden it’s dark outside, Flea’s dead, and my grandma has fucking claws. She’s trying to disembowel me from behind, and a police car comes and opens the gate. I run out of the car, grandma jumps out and pounces on me, and then we’re all arrested. A loop (where I redream a part): I ran out of the car, there were no police, and I bolt to the right where there’s a gap in the fence, and find a tree. I can see a police tow truck speeding down and swerve into the field below and hit something that growled (sounded like Mr. Flappyjaw from Amnesia) and I started thinking about Amnesia: The Dark Descent.

[LAST]

I was running from Hunters (HL2 ep2) and some other things, in the parking lot of the Russian mall/concert place from the other dream, but it was in ruins.  I ran into Superwoman? I dunno, it was some superhero lady. Anyway. She caught me and demanded I allow myself to be arrested for killing Catwoman? I then told her what happened: We were in a cargo plane, and there were these people in dark robes or something, and catwoman was there, and they were trying to shove a peeled mango down my pants. I think it was to start the ritual of sacrificing me to Mr. Tall and Faceless. I don’t know. Then they shoved my out the plane and I went into freefall and landed in the lot. Superwoman realized I didn’t kill Catwoman, and so she ran off, and I was left to fend for myself against the Hunters. I had the Spy’s Cloaking device (TF2) and I climbed all the way to the top of this structure that had an elevator shaft, but no elevator.

Thank you, dreams. I will forever be scarred for life :1 Please, no mangos down my pants. It was uncomfortable enough in my dream.

So I made a pointless video due to my complete and utter boredum :1 Damn Movie maker kept freezing over when I was trying to export it. I really need a better video editing software. Plus, GIMP was being a gimp when I was making the gifs :P HUURR cryptic bullshit is the best bullshit there is.

Was in garage earlier, emptying recycling. The word “construct” popped in my head, and the ‘feeling’ of here accompanied it. Whut. Weird. All boredom and no internet makes me a dull teenager. WTH. I've been practically obsessed with the word "internet" for the past few days. WHUT.

Have I ever said how much I hate the wind? I don't mind if it's a light breeze, but hot damn, with the way it's going, I fear for my windows. This is an ancient house after all. Whatever. It's been over 32F for the past few days, along with it being rainy. Which is totally awesome. Can't wait for spring, that's when the rain comes. Have I ever told you how much I love the rain? I love it, a lot. I find it funny how people freak when they get a little wet.

regards,
aXn

...

I don't think I slept at all last night. And if I did, I sure as hell I don't feel like it. To some extent, I admit, I did sleep a little, but it took forever to get to sleep. Hours upon hours tossing and turning. And when I did finally get to sleep, I kept waking up. I kept getting up, looking out the window for something (I think it was for snow? Snow day today), then I'd either go back to bed, or.. I can't really remember what I was doing before I went back to bed. It's like a big blank spot in my memory (then again, I always do have a hard time remembering things that happen when I wake at godaweful early times in the mornings).

 The window is right next to my bed, so all I have to do is turn on my side or my stomach and reach a little to move the blinds out of the way. But During the duration of my "waking-ups" I physically got up. And I don't really know why. So that adds to the "WTF" factor. :I I am not amused. And to make things even better, I keep dreaming of hospital like places. I know that when I was younger, I spent a lot of time in hospitals because I was sick so often (which is the reason why I absolutely abhor hospitals), but I don't see.. Wait. Now that I look at it (ahem, think/remember) about it, the hospital hallway from my recent dreams is rather similar to that of the dream I had on May 31st, 2010 (you'll have to do a little scrolling to find it. Sorry :/ ), when I was walking down that hallway after Alex went MIA and the elevator went bye-bye :B


Last night, my dad took notice of me not being well. I was in the kitchen, "looking" for something to eat (we were fending last night) and I guess I got stuck in a staring spell with the window across the kitchen, so I was kinda just.. standing there, unblinking and unmoving. And then my dad walks in to get more pasta or whatever he was eating, and he asked me if I was alright. I was kind of out of it at the moment, so I just nodded. He asked if I was sure, cause, according to him, I didn't look all too well.
I guess I am a little pale, and with the massive bags under my eyes, I guess it's a bit hard to miss. I certainly don't feel very well today. I'm finding it getting harder to eat everyday. Even if I am hungry (and my stomach demands food), I still find it hard to swallow. Or even chew, for that matter. It's kinda like when you just ate waaayyy too much, then mere sight of food makes you feel like shit. Except that's me, only on an empty stomach. DX








God, I feel so alone. Even though I have awesome friends, I feel like.. well, I'm just a fifth wheel. Especially when my friends and I are all together. I feel like I'm being excluded, and I just hang there. And just be, and nothing more. And even one on one with someone, all they talk about is themselves. Mostly, it's either that or their girl/boyfriend. It disgusts me, how obsessed people are. It makes me wonder about two things: one, Why didn't I grow up to be like nearly everyone else? Always been the loner, the outcast, I have. And two, are we, as a race, really worth saving? I mean, I look around, and all I see.. it hurts to even look outside, even. It's hard to describe how I feel, really. It's like I have a voice for no reason, and that most of what I believe in will get shot down immediately because I don't agree with most of the things people believe in today. I should tone down on my opinions. I shouldn't be pouring my heart out to the internet like this, but it's not as if someone's actually reading this, right? Right. Only me, myself, and I.

God, I want to punch my self so bad. I'm so fucking annoying.



Starting tomorrow, it'll be two weeks I made this blog, two weeks of no one coming and saying "OMG FU this blog is so dumb ur so frikkin dumb 4 maken this piece of filth shit u shud go dye in a curner cuz ur so stuped". I'm surprised, actually. But whatever. Happy almost Two Week anniversary! ....No. :/

Have I ever told you how against celebrations I am? Or how I can hardly stay on one subject for a period of time *coughthisblogcough* ?  Yeah. Imma go now :B

regards,
aXn

I feel like shit. Total. Utter. SHIT. Blegh XC

Short story long, I'm still having my lovely coughing fits (had one in Defense class today :I I kept looking out the windows in paranoia to see if there was something there. Dunno why though. been watching too many horror movies I guess.), and now I'm getting these fan-fucking-tabulous headaches. And to top it all off, I feel like Imma barf my brains out. I really hope it isn't the flu, or some crazy virus. And just a cold. Scratch that. I REALLY hope I'm not coming down with something. And now I'm shivering. Great.



Dear Body:
Why do you hate me so? I can understand you giving me freaky ass dreams and all, but waking me up multiple times per sleep cycle? And these little hallucinations. I mean, seriously. I'm already paranoid enough as is. I don't need to be constantly looking over my shoulder because I keep "seeing" something move around from the corner of my eye, or thinking that the trees I walk by are going to attack me because they look like someone's rushing at me. And all these freaking headaches. You know, Body, it's rather hard to sleep when my head feels like it's being ripped open. :I  I thought we came to a truce, where we were supposed to be nice to one another. But I can understand where this is coming from. I haven't been treating you as greatly as I should as of late. I'm sorry about that. But you know, times are rough these days. Let's work over this. I think it'll be good for the both of us. I don't know how much longer I can stand going on like this.. how I've been for the past month or so. It's very taxing. You should know this best. Well, let's work on this together. You do so much for me already. I feel in debt to you for that. Let's get better. Together. I promise I'll help. Promise.
regards,
Me




Kinda reminds me how my mom would (and still does) always ask if I was okay, if I was feeling alright, etc. When I look at it now, I find it strange, to say the least. I mean, I can understand some concern, regarding how I had that intense/important operation when I was little, but that was years ago. The wound has healed. There's no need to keep fretting over me like that still. I have a feeling my mom isn't letting me in on the full story here. I know that something happened in my childhood that makes my mom that protective. Or maybe I'm just over analyzing this. Maybe it's a mom thing. But coming into my room while I'm sleeping to check on me. My goodness. Can't really do that now, seeing as I'm Across the country from her.
AND she keeps calling me. Or her phone keeps calling me. I pick up, she doesn't answer, just this background noise. I don't know. It just feels wrong. I hope things are okay over there.




So. Trees. I remember I've always had this thing for trees since I was little. It's like.. I don't know how to explain it, but whenever I hear the word, or see them.. I just get this feeling. VERY hard to describe. But.. I guess it's like I have this special place in my head/heart/whatever for them. I guess there's something very important about trees. Or maybe it's because the desert lacks them. Especially in many parts of Vegas. Maybe it's in my blood to like trees. Being born in a state practically made of trees. Friggin' NH. HUURR.

....

Uh, I guess you could say I've been in an.. artistic mood as of late. I keep drawing. But It's of the same thing. Over and over and over anD OVER AND OVER AND OVER. People. I keep drawing PEOPLE. But that's not the weird thing. I keep drawing people with NO EYES and their mouths are stitched up. I'll show you a few examples:

(this one started out being a picture I owed to a friend. Lost a bet and this is how I have to pay :I IDK why I did this to it, but whatever)

Sorry this one's a little blurry. My camera was being a complete ass.

Not exactly a person, but I found it was close enough to put it up.

Had to put this one up. Don't mind the ? face at the upper right corner. 

I thought he was too awesome to crop out xD

..funny, I didn't intentionally draw him looking at Grin-Face. huh.

..this one kind of creeps me out :X Though it'd be kickass if it were digitally colored with some added effects. 

And I keep drawing this symbol.. thing:

I keep drawing it everywhere. Sometimes I don't even realize that I do. What the hell.

MMM, yes. Let's share more personal info in the interwebz :P


Quiero lo ser el fin de semana ahora. Por favor. No quiero me despierto mañana. Bleeghh DX

Yeh. Watch me butcher the Spanish language XD

regards,
aXn

Dream Time :D and share creepy music time

Ok, so, I had three two dreams last night. Well, more like nightmares but.. Well, they didn't feel like a dream, nor a nightmare. But I know they were in my head. And they both woke me up. HHNNGG. Now, I can't remember, for the life of me, which came first. But They had a consistent theme to them. Trees, man. Crazy.

FIRST:
I was in the woods/forest with my step dad and little brother. It was the "alive" kind of woods/forest. Like it was all green and foresty and alive. Catch my drift? I hope so. Anyway. My step dad was trying to teach my brother (and I?) something, and I was playing in a pond/small body of water. Which was pretty deep. The rocks/gravel/whatever that was the ground were dark colored, not black, but certainly a range of dark shades that were close to black. There was something about a log partially blocking a path. I don't know. ANYWAY. My step dad had this piece of paper that had info on it or something, and he set it down while kneeling next to it. So did my brother (and I after I was done playing around). The woods/forest had somehow shifted or something because it was now partially my room. Sorta. VERY hard to explain. Then My desk chair appeared by the paper, and this HUGE ASS MOFO SPIDER appears on my chair. When I say huge, I mean it. It was larger than my hand outstretched. Now, this spider had.. 6 legs? and it was pale, like a skin color, but pale and semi-translucent. I remember screaming or something. My step dad noticed it, and he screamed, and guess what he did? Flicked it at me. So I panicked and got out of the way, and the bugger skimpered off into my closet. Which now, I'll admit, I'm afraid to go into :X

This is where I woke up. I thought there were spiders on my foot. Of course, like all the other times I've been waking up at -834893478q34 AM, my room was extremely warm (though it was like 2'F outside :P ) and I was really thirsty. BAWW.

SECOND:
I was in the woods. SURPRISE SURPRISE. But this was different. All the trees were dead. The sky was extremely dark. I mean like pitchblackOMGICANTSEEMYSELF kind of dark. But the weird thing was, was that the lighting in the woods was like it was day time. HURM. If I remember correctly, I was on this set path, which I believe it was grey. I think. So there I was, in the creepy woods, walking. I had said  "I feel like I'm being watched". Which makes me believe I was with someone. With all certainty, I really felt like I was being watched. And this isn't in-dream. I'm talking about my (sub?)consciousness could feel something watching me. Then.. I WAKE UP. Still feeling like I'm being watched. But it went away fairly quickly. Room was warm again :P Still thirsty as hell.

Now that I mention it, I have been guzzling down an abnormal amount of water for the past few weeks. huh.

So my step mom is sick. I've had this damn cough for a while now. Still wont do away. thankfully it isn't a OMGICOUGHEDMAHBRAINZZOUT kind of cough.

HHNNGG. My laptop has been acting up as of late. REALLY SLOW. Rage. Gotta wrap this up before it I explode.

regards,
aXn

PS I feel like I'm missing something I wanted to write down. FFFFFF


EDIT: I remember what I forgot (albeit, while trying to get to sleep >.>  )

Ok, so, When I woke up the second time, and was half awake (or less) in my bed, I felt as if there were two of me there, like one from when I first woke up, and then yanno me me. It's.. kinda hard to explain. But it was like I was in two different locations (in my bed, but on diff, sides of the bed) at once. WHUT.

Note to self: If I ever want to remember something, curl up in bed and pretend to try to get to sleep. Prolly will remember what I forgot :P My bed has magical remembrance powers :O

Deathly Raisins and Bathroom Doors

The raisins! They taste like death!

..not that I know what death tastes like. But I'm being serious here. I dunno if they spoiled or not, but when I eat them... well, my body tells me that it's the taste of death, and I should stop eating them. Cause obviously some shit's going down with these raisins. But I like raisins. HHRRRMMM. So yeah. Back to almonds and cashews, then.

In other news. I was woken up at what.. 3 AM? Somewhere around there. I dunno what it was that woke me up (it was prolly the wind. It was blowing pretty hard, and in my half awake state, I though it was going to break my windows), but I'm happy it wasn't another nightmare. But I was insanely thirsty again. I don't understand D: I guess it's a good thing I keep my water bottle filled at all times :I Though I kept hearing this strange noise. I don't remember what it sounded like exactly, but it was weird.

Then this morning, when I went to go to the bathroom, the door closed itself. Serious. It could've been my stepmom (she had her straightener out, and my little sister touches everything), but I didn't see her. No one was in the bathroom (didn't realize this until half an hour later >.> ). The bathroom door is kinda like the ones on an airplane, like the ones that fold in half, and you can easily tell if someone is behind it or not when it's being closed/opened. No one was there. None of the windows were open (windows stay closed all winter), so that rules out that possibility. But I could of missed my step mom. I walked out of my room and into the hall when the door was closed, so.. I dunno. Felt like sharing that :I

Was snowing a little earlier. I was PISSED. I don't mind snow, but we've already got like, what, OVER 9000 FT OF SNOW ALREADY? Plus yesterday was in the 50's, so this cold weather coming again makes me sad.

...aaaannd I just knocked over my tin of tacks. Time to go pick 'em up :P

regards,
aXn

I feel like shit, and I'm tired as hell. Like all my energy has been sapped out of my body. At least my eyes aren't hurting anymore. But I keep coughing. Like the other day I just could not stop coughing. Especially in proximity with Kellie. Which is strange. I really hope I'm not coming down with something. I hate being sick. 

Ignore the below if you wish not to deal with the venting of emotions and teenager shit :P 

You're always so distant from us. Why?! Always talking about running away, killing yourself. We try to help you, you just disregard our help and keep whining and BITCHING ABOUT EVERY FUCKING THING. But yet, as I saw today, when you were with HER you were an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON. Outgoing. HAPPY. Striking up a conversation that didn't have to do with your petty drama you love to shove down my THROAT every SINGLE DAY. Why? Are WE not GOOD ENOUGH for you?! I try and I try and I endure all this, but EVERYONE has a breaking point! Even those who seem so strong! Why do you see me as this person who won't break? I have things I really want to get off my chest, but I can't TRUST you anymore to tell you! She was right. You're abandoning us. AGAIN. Of course, I'm too cowardly to say this to your face, but sometimes I just want to SMASH YOUR FACE INTO A FUCKING WALL. And leave you there. Always groveling, clinging to my arm, crying in my shoulder, about how HORRIBLE you are at romance. We try comforting you, but you just PUSH US AWAY and continue your decent into depression and this sad, pathetic state that you're in. BUT IF YOU JUST CONTROLLED YOURSELF FOR ONCE, we wouldn't have to deal with this crap ALL THE TIME. I know right now I'm coming off as an asshole. I know. When I read this, I want to punch myself in the face. But this is what I see. If you can't handle the truth and accept that you're in reality.. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. All I know, is that I feel betrayed, more than anything.

Ok, I'm done :P

In happier news, I learned some kicks in Defense today. Though pretty much everyone failed the skill check xD I also learned that it's hard to take quizzes in the morning classes while half awake. Though I think I made my math teacher real happy. We had a quiz today (factoring polynomials and finding all real solutions and finding zeros and whatnot). I tried very hard to fill everything in, cause I'll tell you right now, when it was handed out, I died a little on the inside. Sum and diff of cubes is NOT my forte. At least the synthetic division part was pretty easy. I like that better than substitution. ANYWAY. Off topic. When I handed mine in, I saw the quiz before mine was half blank (and this was from a guy who sits in my row and is really smart), and my teacher kinda whispered to me "Glad to know someone studied". She's such a riot. My favorite math teacher. She explains thins so well. :D

Whenever I turn the light off, my room gets so quite. The dark adds to it. But when I turn it back on, it isn't as.. silent. I don't know how to explain it. 

called for food, scared the crap outta me. jumpy today

regards,

aXn

Of Water and Weapons

Dream. Don't remember much of it. End of the world? I was trying to hide from the masses. They were looking for something. Got cornered, fled and hid in a small crawlspace. Two guys can to torch the building I was in. A little blurry, I think they spared me, and I was following them. Something about a year stands out. Time skip, I was in a place where multiple beings from multiple dimensions/universes flocked to. There were some who were "gifted" and "found" these special weapons. I was "gifted" with a semi short sword, about 2 ft long, curved like a letter "c". I was also "gifted" with a dagger and a short sword. I couldn't, for the life of me, find their sheaths.

When I woke up, I was on my left side. I think I was at the perfect angle, cause I could hear.. running water? I know it wasn't raining this morning, and the shower doesn't made that sound. Or the toilet or sinks. Huh. When I rolled on my other side, I couldn't hear it anymore.

TGIF. I did NOT want to wake up this morning. HHNNNGGG. Stupid lack of sleep. On the bright side, I have Self Defense today :D I love that class

regards,
aXn