Almost a month. But I've been busy with some... things, so to say. Still really busy, but I found some down time to type this up.
Been having some weird dreams. I can never fully remember them, but they always have to do with me and someone else (who I don't know), and in every dream, we have a different relationship. One dream we'd have a Parent-Child relationship, then the next an Enemy-Ally relationship. Last night it was more of a business relationship. May I say how creepy I look in a business suit? Creepy as fuck D:
Here's some music I found:
I've grown fond of this song.
ha
ha
ha
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
huh
So. Saturday night, I had quite the nightmare. It wasn't exactly scary in a sense, and it did explain some things.
It had to do with me being stuck in my room in one of the houses I used to live in while in Vegas, and the weird thing was is that the room had no windows. And the reason why I was stuck was because, I'm guessing, my mother was roaming the rest of the house (mainly in the living room/kitchen). She wasn't exactly herself, persay. It was like she had been possessed by something, and I had this tremendous fear of her finding me. I'm guessing if she found me, it would be a bad thing. So I'm stuck in my room, and I think at some point there was another person with me, cause I remember hiding in the closet with someone else when la madre decided to pay my room a surprise visit. Anyway, I remember opening my door just a crack, and I could see my mother in the living room, back facing me, making weird noises while making a mess. She must of sensed me watching her, and I must of sensed her sensing me because I got very fearful and closed my door and tried to barricade it. And not too soon after I heard her coming down the hall and stopping outside my door. Just remembering how her raspy breathing sounded like sends shivers down my spine. At some point, I make it to the room next to me, which is in fact closer to the living room, but also the door out. This room had a window and it was bright outside. Apparently that was a bad thing as I remember trying to block out the light with the shades and something else. I think.. I think my mother came into the room and.. well, I'm not quite sure. But I can remember this pure absolute terror. It was rather horrifying. I still feel a little bit of that fear when I think about this nightmare. I shiver.
I find this and explanation because some shit is going down in the family, blahblahblah. But uh, why would I dream of this? I don't fear my mom. You know, my brain is telling me something I don't necessarily know, but need to know :1 What does this mean? fshk jgzbdhkjb ghjb dhjgb fhjbh Imma try and draw it out I suppose. It looks creepier than it sounds. Well, in my head at least. :I
It had to do with me being stuck in my room in one of the houses I used to live in while in Vegas, and the weird thing was is that the room had no windows. And the reason why I was stuck was because, I'm guessing, my mother was roaming the rest of the house (mainly in the living room/kitchen). She wasn't exactly herself, persay. It was like she had been possessed by something, and I had this tremendous fear of her finding me. I'm guessing if she found me, it would be a bad thing. So I'm stuck in my room, and I think at some point there was another person with me, cause I remember hiding in the closet with someone else when la madre decided to pay my room a surprise visit. Anyway, I remember opening my door just a crack, and I could see my mother in the living room, back facing me, making weird noises while making a mess. She must of sensed me watching her, and I must of sensed her sensing me because I got very fearful and closed my door and tried to barricade it. And not too soon after I heard her coming down the hall and stopping outside my door. Just remembering how her raspy breathing sounded like sends shivers down my spine. At some point, I make it to the room next to me, which is in fact closer to the living room, but also the door out. This room had a window and it was bright outside. Apparently that was a bad thing as I remember trying to block out the light with the shades and something else. I think.. I think my mother came into the room and.. well, I'm not quite sure. But I can remember this pure absolute terror. It was rather horrifying. I still feel a little bit of that fear when I think about this nightmare. I shiver.
I find this and explanation because some shit is going down in the family, blahblahblah. But uh, why would I dream of this? I don't fear my mom. You know, my brain is telling me something I don't necessarily know, but need to know :1 What does this mean? fshk jgzbdhkjb ghjb dhjgb fhjbh Imma try and draw it out I suppose. It looks creepier than it sounds. Well, in my head at least. :I
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Where's your arm, Starscream?
Pffffff- -starts to laugh uncontrollably-
Oh god, this Transformer continuity is just so freaking hilarious XD
Oh god, this Transformer continuity is just so freaking hilarious XD
Monday, May 9, 2011
Don't listen
...and they still scream at you for any reason they can think of, pointing out all your faults, not giving a damn or a single care as to if you are wounded in their plight of driving you deep into the ground.
I can't get to sleep. I've never had an easy time. The calls of sleep elude me while insomnia toys with my mind and it just drives me mad.
On nights like this, I just usually stare at the ceiling and wait fruitlessly for sleep's embrace. But I'm more restless than normal tonight. I have to write these thought down somewhere, constantly hoping that someone out there will read and understand what's going on inside the chaos in my mind.
I can't help but to feel caged, like an avian pet neglected and forgotten by it's owners while it just sits miserably day in and out on the same perch, doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again until it's days are up. It'll even go as far as to stare longingly at the sky from the window, wishing so bad to go back to it's domain, it's kingdom though it knows better than to hope for such hopeless dreams since it's accepted it's fate, but still quietly fighting back with that last strand of resisting.
I sometimes catch myself staring at the sky longingly, and the ache in my chest telling me that the sky is where I belong but I can't reach it. And there, sitting in my head is the sharp presence, screaming at me to go, go far away, to go and find a way to freedom that we both know is near impossible to obtain. Especially with these limitations I'm faced with. It pierces my mind with it's lure and and dances with me within my mind throughout the endless skies of my dreams.
I endure this... "Reality" so I can eventually go back to that far away place I've created in my head, a place I usually like better than the real world. Or whatever it is we call the real world. My fantasy world brings more appeal, and I often get so drowned by it that I forget who I am, where I am, what's going on, etc.. when I come back to "Reality". I would find that a little sad, but at the moment I can't help but feel the feelings become null and fade away for something more wonderful.
But I know that wonderful thing is something I won't feel. Freedom in the Skies. Almost sounds like a book title. Cheesy, almost. But it's true. It sits buried deep within, silently stalking until it can claw it's way out, to escape the cage and become free.
But it isn't the only thing in there. There's many others. There's a fire born of the hatred forged and suppressed over the years, constantly begging for release and even tries to get out on it's own accord. It's the face I see when my blood boils, lingering there, waiting for the right moment when I finally snap. Then there's the sadness, the depression, the fear. There's so many. Paranoia strikes through my poorly beating heart. There isn't a day that I can't help but to look behind my shoulder, fearful of a silent and unknown assailant stalking me behind the boundaries of my senses. They watch, they wait. Always there.
It's like my mind is not only my personal paradise, but my personal hell as well. Of course, why would I think any differently? Even I know I'm not safe in my own mind. I've known this for a while.
But a part of me wishes that this could all stop, all the confusing thought racing in my head, crisscrossing and intersecting in fitful ends. To even make sense of it all would be satisfying. Even the things I keep hidden in my mind, the things I can hardly and even barely try to explain are so out of there, it's hard to imagine it's even from this world.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. And full of myself. I mean, how could a little insignificant person like me even possess something like that? There are more pressing and more important matters going on than that of my little.. instability. Surely these feelings are normal, and that I should just learn to live with them. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm really worth it.
I dream of everlasting skies, flying through them with wings so great, I can break the sound barrier. I dream of off distant planets and their inhabitants. I dream of the freedom I know I can't have. I dream of a place where I know I belong, where I know I'll never have to doubt myself or anyone else. I dream of flight by natural means. I dream of Freedom. I dream of Flight. Freedom. Flight. FF.
I can't get to sleep. I've never had an easy time. The calls of sleep elude me while insomnia toys with my mind and it just drives me mad.
On nights like this, I just usually stare at the ceiling and wait fruitlessly for sleep's embrace. But I'm more restless than normal tonight. I have to write these thought down somewhere, constantly hoping that someone out there will read and understand what's going on inside the chaos in my mind.
I can't help but to feel caged, like an avian pet neglected and forgotten by it's owners while it just sits miserably day in and out on the same perch, doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again until it's days are up. It'll even go as far as to stare longingly at the sky from the window, wishing so bad to go back to it's domain, it's kingdom though it knows better than to hope for such hopeless dreams since it's accepted it's fate, but still quietly fighting back with that last strand of resisting.
I sometimes catch myself staring at the sky longingly, and the ache in my chest telling me that the sky is where I belong but I can't reach it. And there, sitting in my head is the sharp presence, screaming at me to go, go far away, to go and find a way to freedom that we both know is near impossible to obtain. Especially with these limitations I'm faced with. It pierces my mind with it's lure and and dances with me within my mind throughout the endless skies of my dreams.
I endure this... "Reality" so I can eventually go back to that far away place I've created in my head, a place I usually like better than the real world. Or whatever it is we call the real world. My fantasy world brings more appeal, and I often get so drowned by it that I forget who I am, where I am, what's going on, etc.. when I come back to "Reality". I would find that a little sad, but at the moment I can't help but feel the feelings become null and fade away for something more wonderful.
But I know that wonderful thing is something I won't feel. Freedom in the Skies. Almost sounds like a book title. Cheesy, almost. But it's true. It sits buried deep within, silently stalking until it can claw it's way out, to escape the cage and become free.
But it isn't the only thing in there. There's many others. There's a fire born of the hatred forged and suppressed over the years, constantly begging for release and even tries to get out on it's own accord. It's the face I see when my blood boils, lingering there, waiting for the right moment when I finally snap. Then there's the sadness, the depression, the fear. There's so many. Paranoia strikes through my poorly beating heart. There isn't a day that I can't help but to look behind my shoulder, fearful of a silent and unknown assailant stalking me behind the boundaries of my senses. They watch, they wait. Always there.
It's like my mind is not only my personal paradise, but my personal hell as well. Of course, why would I think any differently? Even I know I'm not safe in my own mind. I've known this for a while.
But a part of me wishes that this could all stop, all the confusing thought racing in my head, crisscrossing and intersecting in fitful ends. To even make sense of it all would be satisfying. Even the things I keep hidden in my mind, the things I can hardly and even barely try to explain are so out of there, it's hard to imagine it's even from this world.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. And full of myself. I mean, how could a little insignificant person like me even possess something like that? There are more pressing and more important matters going on than that of my little.. instability. Surely these feelings are normal, and that I should just learn to live with them. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm really worth it.
I dream of everlasting skies, flying through them with wings so great, I can break the sound barrier. I dream of off distant planets and their inhabitants. I dream of the freedom I know I can't have. I dream of a place where I know I belong, where I know I'll never have to doubt myself or anyone else. I dream of flight by natural means. I dream of Freedom. I dream of Flight. Freedom. Flight. FF.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The darkness holding me tightly, Until the sun rises up
Honestly? I'm a little afraid of going to sleep tonight. Why? I have no clue, just one of those feelings that tell you stuff. And I'm getting real nervous right now. Maybe because I haven't had a nightmare the past week or so, only weird dreams. This is unusual. I'm past due for my weekly mental scare. Well, whatever's up, I'm fine with the absence of possible hallucinations.
Or maybe it's because my friend decided to run away last Friday (and came back Saturday morning) without telling anybody, and proceeded to not go to school for all but one day. Maybe. Whatever.
You know, Advil tastes good. I took a pill the other day to tame these horrid pollen allergies, and it tasted lovely.
And on another change of topic: Transformers Prime. Episode 14. OHMAHGAWD. Should of seen me while I was watching it, I was going nuts. Ha ha ha. I'm such a nerd. But the cool thing is, a bunch of G-whiners (G1 Transformer fanboys who like to hate on all the other Transformer shows/movies) have said they like this series. SO MANY REFERENCES WOAH MAN. Designs aren't blocks on boxes or just strange proportions that wouldn't work at all, and take some aspects of Bayformers designs and original designs and- OK, gotta stop myself here. I'll go nuts if I don't.
Also, I don't remember if I ever mentioned this, but you know how my friend Kellie has told me how she dreams of Slender Man telling her to kill me (if you don't you do now)? Well, week or so ago, she told me she had a dream that He had ME kill HER and then He killed me, and that was the end of that. Weird. And I told her that her mind must hate me quite a lot. xD She was like No no! I don't hate you! and something about her just getting really into to stuff, or it was depression venting. I have no idea.
If you'll excuse me, I have som logarithms I need to finish up for math class tomorrow.
regards,
aXn
Saturday, May 7, 2011
I'll help you tie the rope around your neck
Ehem. Sorry, listening to music.
Anyway, I'm sick. Sort of, but I think I'd count nausea, headaches, coughing, runny/stuffy noses as being sick with a side order of pollen allergies. I've never had a problem with pollen before. I guess my body this year decided it hated me more than usual. Then again, my grandma said pollen is really horrible this year. I want to tear out my eyeballs just to make the itchy feeling go away. It's like those mini cysts that like to form on my eyelids near my tear ducts.
Not been getting sleep as of late. Last Saturday I had to "help" my grandparents baby-sit my 3 year old sister and 9 year old cousin. When I say "help" I mean I had to watch them and do diaper duty and I had to entertain... Well, My cousin, she's cool. She doesn't need constant survellience and isn't annoying. Where my sister is the exact opposite. She also snores, LOUDLY. The three of us had to share a room, and my cousin and I could NOT get to sleep because of the snoring. I couldn't get to sleep till 4 in the morning, and was woken up at 6/7 by the other two, and was woken up again around 830 by one of my friends texting me one of our friends ran away. Not a very good night. And ever since then, I haven't been getting sleep. And when I did (ie yesterday), I was still so tired that I slept in my classes. Right now I feel like I'm going to pass out.
And I noticed this blog really doesn't have much of a purpose anymore :P
Also: I'm practicing drawing expressions. It's insanely fun.
regards,
aXn
Anyway, I'm sick. Sort of, but I think I'd count nausea, headaches, coughing, runny/stuffy noses as being sick with a side order of pollen allergies. I've never had a problem with pollen before. I guess my body this year decided it hated me more than usual. Then again, my grandma said pollen is really horrible this year. I want to tear out my eyeballs just to make the itchy feeling go away. It's like those mini cysts that like to form on my eyelids near my tear ducts.
Not been getting sleep as of late. Last Saturday I had to "help" my grandparents baby-sit my 3 year old sister and 9 year old cousin. When I say "help" I mean I had to watch them and do diaper duty and I had to entertain... Well, My cousin, she's cool. She doesn't need constant survellience and isn't annoying. Where my sister is the exact opposite. She also snores, LOUDLY. The three of us had to share a room, and my cousin and I could NOT get to sleep because of the snoring. I couldn't get to sleep till 4 in the morning, and was woken up at 6/7 by the other two, and was woken up again around 830 by one of my friends texting me one of our friends ran away. Not a very good night. And ever since then, I haven't been getting sleep. And when I did (ie yesterday), I was still so tired that I slept in my classes. Right now I feel like I'm going to pass out.
And I noticed this blog really doesn't have much of a purpose anymore :P
Also: I'm practicing drawing expressions. It's insanely fun.
regards,
aXn
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I'm in an extremely happy mood right now. Why? I haven't the slightest idea.
Let me recap the past few days:
Friday night, my Marble Hornets DVD finally came. Yay! So what did I do? I watched both disks all the way through.
Saturday, I had to go get new clothes. Have I ever said how much I hate a lot of the people in my age group?
Sunday, went to Vermont with family (huge family outing, though I'm not related to any of them). Happy Easter btw. Whatever it celebrates anyway (rants about how meaningless Holidays are becoming these days)
Sunday Night/Monday Morning, had a very weird dream/nightmare. I was in a city in a car with my step mom. We crashed by a hospital/science building, and she left me. When I came to, the place was under quarantine (there was some crazy smoke stuff going on through the windows), and the place was near deserted. I saw a guy run past and I opened the car door to ask him what was going on. He said the place was under quarantine, and that if we didn't get out of there/hide, we were going to get caught. So I ran with him, and he went to a building and opened a vent grate and got in. As I was getting in, I heard shouts. I got very fearful here, and when I got in the vent (it was vertical, and it seemed like an endless drop) I woke up. And my back (along my spine) felt weird. Like a weird tingling hot and cold at the same time feeling. And in my minds eye, I imagined a RIG on my back, flashing red :P When I went back to sleep, I was back in that city, but running from Agents (of what, idk), and hid in a building. I escaped, then somehow liberated the city from... something evil I guess. Haven't a clue.
Monday, I started and finished my ref sheet for a tournament I'm in on DA. Not very happy with it, but it's WAY better than the ref I made a couple years ago for a different tourney that I didn't get in. whatever.
So today, as mentioned before, I'm am in a ridiculously good mood. Last time that happened, my whole day went down the shitter :P ah well. We'll see.
Excuse me for a moment.
regards,
aXn
Let me recap the past few days:
Friday night, my Marble Hornets DVD finally came. Yay! So what did I do? I watched both disks all the way through.
Saturday, I had to go get new clothes. Have I ever said how much I hate a lot of the people in my age group?
Sunday, went to Vermont with family (huge family outing, though I'm not related to any of them). Happy Easter btw. Whatever it celebrates anyway (rants about how meaningless Holidays are becoming these days)
Sunday Night/Monday Morning, had a very weird dream/nightmare. I was in a city in a car with my step mom. We crashed by a hospital/science building, and she left me. When I came to, the place was under quarantine (there was some crazy smoke stuff going on through the windows), and the place was near deserted. I saw a guy run past and I opened the car door to ask him what was going on. He said the place was under quarantine, and that if we didn't get out of there/hide, we were going to get caught. So I ran with him, and he went to a building and opened a vent grate and got in. As I was getting in, I heard shouts. I got very fearful here, and when I got in the vent (it was vertical, and it seemed like an endless drop) I woke up. And my back (along my spine) felt weird. Like a weird tingling hot and cold at the same time feeling. And in my minds eye, I imagined a RIG on my back, flashing red :P When I went back to sleep, I was back in that city, but running from Agents (of what, idk), and hid in a building. I escaped, then somehow liberated the city from... something evil I guess. Haven't a clue.
Monday, I started and finished my ref sheet for a tournament I'm in on DA. Not very happy with it, but it's WAY better than the ref I made a couple years ago for a different tourney that I didn't get in. whatever.
So today, as mentioned before, I'm am in a ridiculously good mood. Last time that happened, my whole day went down the shitter :P ah well. We'll see.
Excuse me for a moment.
regards,
aXn
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