...and they still scream at you for any reason they can think of, pointing out all your faults, not giving a damn or a single care as to if you are wounded in their plight of driving you deep into the ground.
I can't get to sleep. I've never had an easy time. The calls of sleep elude me while insomnia toys with my mind and it just drives me mad.
On nights like this, I just usually stare at the ceiling and wait fruitlessly for sleep's embrace. But I'm more restless than normal tonight. I have to write these thought down somewhere, constantly hoping that someone out there will read and understand what's going on inside the chaos in my mind.
I can't help but to feel caged, like an avian pet neglected and forgotten by it's owners while it just sits miserably day in and out on the same perch, doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again until it's days are up. It'll even go as far as to stare longingly at the sky from the window, wishing so bad to go back to it's domain, it's kingdom though it knows better than to hope for such hopeless dreams since it's accepted it's fate, but still quietly fighting back with that last strand of resisting.
I sometimes catch myself staring at the sky longingly, and the ache in my chest telling me that the sky is where I belong but I can't reach it. And there, sitting in my head is the sharp presence, screaming at me to go, go far away, to go and find a way to freedom that we both know is near impossible to obtain. Especially with these limitations I'm faced with. It pierces my mind with it's lure and and dances with me within my mind throughout the endless skies of my dreams.
I endure this... "Reality" so I can eventually go back to that far away place I've created in my head, a place I usually like better than the real world. Or whatever it is we call the real world. My fantasy world brings more appeal, and I often get so drowned by it that I forget who I am, where I am, what's going on, etc.. when I come back to "Reality". I would find that a little sad, but at the moment I can't help but feel the feelings become null and fade away for something more wonderful.
But I know that wonderful thing is something I won't feel. Freedom in the Skies. Almost sounds like a book title. Cheesy, almost. But it's true. It sits buried deep within, silently stalking until it can claw it's way out, to escape the cage and become free.
But it isn't the only thing in there. There's many others. There's a fire born of the hatred forged and suppressed over the years, constantly begging for release and even tries to get out on it's own accord. It's the face I see when my blood boils, lingering there, waiting for the right moment when I finally snap. Then there's the sadness, the depression, the fear. There's so many. Paranoia strikes through my poorly beating heart. There isn't a day that I can't help but to look behind my shoulder, fearful of a silent and unknown assailant stalking me behind the boundaries of my senses. They watch, they wait. Always there.
It's like my mind is not only my personal paradise, but my personal hell as well. Of course, why would I think any differently? Even I know I'm not safe in my own mind. I've known this for a while.
But a part of me wishes that this could all stop, all the confusing thought racing in my head, crisscrossing and intersecting in fitful ends. To even make sense of it all would be satisfying. Even the things I keep hidden in my mind, the things I can hardly and even barely try to explain are so out of there, it's hard to imagine it's even from this world.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. And full of myself. I mean, how could a little insignificant person like me even possess something like that? There are more pressing and more important matters going on than that of my little.. instability. Surely these feelings are normal, and that I should just learn to live with them. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm really worth it.
I dream of everlasting skies, flying through them with wings so great, I can break the sound barrier. I dream of off distant planets and their inhabitants. I dream of the freedom I know I can't have. I dream of a place where I know I belong, where I know I'll never have to doubt myself or anyone else. I dream of flight by natural means. I dream of Freedom. I dream of Flight. Freedom. Flight. FF.
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